the year i stopped auditioning for my life.
when we’re constantly improving, trying to level up, and pivoting, it’s easy to feel like we’re always performing. the thing about performing is we start to see life like a stage wanting people to clap at every choice, when the things that we want needs a co-sign, when we’re waiting for someone else to tell us, ‘we should start. we should do that’'.
i didn’t realize how long i’d long i’ve been performing. they say that some years are questions and some years are answers. this year was an answer: telling me to stop shrinking myself into role i never even auditioned for. this year something in me snapped. not in a dramatic breakdown way, but in a quiet, holy, internal way. it was realizing that i was living like a guest in my own life. like i needed permission to want what i wanted. like the life i craved required an audience before it could be real.
so i stopped auditioning. straight like that.
i had to ghost the version of me who needed everything from everyone else. i stopped dating. i stopped answering the phone for moments that felt like emotional side quests or repeated conversations. i stopped entertaining any connections that was built on inconvenience, insecurity, avoidant + anxious attachment styles. none of it could fit where i wanted to flow. and something unexpected happened.
my time came back to me.
my energy came back to me.
my power came back to me and my mind got quiet enough to finally be able to hear myself.
all of this time i thought silence would feel empty. it was clarity. it gave direction.
and loneliness has a sense of liberation to it.
it’s important to recognize the difference between ambition and avoidance. constantly striving for something else so we don’t have to work on where we’re currently at. this part of choosing yourself is not always fun or cute. it doesn’t start with a vision board or a 3am rebranding. it stated with very simple things like making my bed and stretching before i touched my phone. going to bed earlier (this quite literally changed my life), walking without headphones so i can actually hear my thoughts, no longer avoiding my intuition and depending on opinions from friends, trending advice, or podcasts. actually building routines that felt like mine and not a to do list or shared google doc.
so i separated my life into categories not to control myself but to meet myself halfway.
mindset
eft tapping, journaling, one podcast a week (not seven) because i was done outsourcing my intuition to strangers and calling it clarity.
body
movement scheduled in the calendar like a meeting not because i needed to earn rest, but because my body deserved partnership. stretching, strength, running, and quality rest.
soul
my own spiritual lane. not borrowed beliefs. talking to God. listening more than performing. being more than doing.
creativity
adult coloring. walking new neighborhoods. taking pictures that don’t need to be posted. hobbies without a conversion rate.
study hours
learning for the sake of learning nutrition, spanish, editing because curiosity is part of adventure. (this specifically healed me because i tend to always want to go back to school when i feel stuck because i enjoy learning. it feels like i’m going somewhere when i’m learning so i decided to create this for myself.)
if you feel like you’ve been performing for friends, for family, for the algorithm, for the version of you that’s afraid to disappoint anyone, allow this moment to be your pause for you to exhale.
your life is not a stage.
you are not up for review.
you are the director now.
if you’re ready to stop auditioning, i built FULL CUP. a membership on my website + series on youtube to provide a system to support the woman who is done performing and ready to be. if you want weekly reminders, rituals, and frameworks that anchor you into the life you’re choosing, not the life you’re reacting to, join the membership.
the goal is alignment, not applause.
and if you prefer conversation over consumption, come hang out on my YouTube series Full Cup where we pour back into ourselves, one intentional episode at a time.